Monday, August 18, 2003
Now that Glenn Reynolds is jumping on the anti-Ivins bandwagon, I decided to translate her latest piece into Ali-G. Raspeck.
would yous believe …? by molly ivins creators syndicate
dublin, n.h. - wot a summa fa national credulity fitness. my credulity gets a lot of exercise, since i cova texas politics. but in da house we is wiv everyone's credulity stretchin and strainin in a giant national workout session. arnold schwarz-enegger as governa of california. well, sure, i can andle dat one. manna from eavun fa political umorists of all stripes. me is afraid da joke will begin to wear thin, oweva. i know we all dig to make wicked of california as da epicenta of nuttiness, but in fact dat massiv, wicked state is in terrible aggro. a $36 quillion deficit is not amusin. teachers is bein fired; programs to elp da mostest elpless -- da oldest, da youngest, da mostest frail -- is bein cut. da state's economy took a terrible erbal remedy in da artificially created energy crisis of 2000-2001. enron and da udda corporate thieves -- empowered by years of da republican mania fa deregutalion -- drained as much as $45 quillion out of da state. it's a mess, and as is oftun noticed, gray davis is so uninspirin dat he makes wet kleenex check excitin. but da 200-plus udda candidates should realize dat no governa can be popular whun faced wiv a mess dat size. now, da fact dat our government was contemplatin creatin a futures market in terrerorism is a bit of a pause-causer. "they're doin wot?" we said, in a rare moment of national unity. dis bonkola endeava became more understandable whun we learned dat john poindexta, of iran-contra fame, was behind it. poindexta was up to is neck in iran-contra, one of da battiest pieces of illegal cloak-and-dagger fruitcakery eva perpetrated by a government infested wiv wannabe james bonds. yous may recall dat poindexta -- whose streak of insanity is cleverly disguised by a personality dat makes gray davis check excitin -- was convicted of lyin to congress. (his five felony counts were overturned on appeal.) he is da playa who came up wiv da idea fa da now-defunct tia (terrorism information awareness) program, a loony scheme unda which our government would collect every scrap of information available on each of us -- financial records, ealf, library visits, etc. -- in a mind-boggling exercise of government control dat would ave made da batty soviet union check dig a libertarian paradise. dat one was scotched, but it left poa poindexta wiv nothin to do but atch yet anotha insane scheme: da market in terrerorism futures. next up, we ave da one dat still leaves me whompa-jawed. in one of those little flurries on da still waters of da potomac dat indicates some well massiv creatures is unda there avin a mingin ruk came word dat colin powell was on is way out. no, not on is way out. aye, on is way. no, not. da possibility of losin colin powell, who mostly seems to ave is ead screwed on straight, is dauntin enough. wot sent me into da you've got to be kiddin!, boyakasha! mode was da word of who is unda considetarion to replace im. quicrest, who would be worse: paul wolfowitz or newt gingrich? yep, innit da list, and evun your worst nightmares didn't make yous fa dat one, did dey? wolfowitz, one of da leadin neo-con awks who got us into dis mingin mess in iraq, is such a clumsy diplomat dat he not only couldn't get our batty ally turkey to evun let us use its bases durin da war, but he actually implicitly threatened da people there wiv a little regime change in their own turf by way of a military coup -- all da betta to brin democracy to iraq, of course. it is ard to tell whetha gingrich as secretary of state is a more mingin prospect than evun wolfowitz. dat silly, ypocricital blowhard, dat ridiculous pseudo-intellectual wiv a rank streak a mile wide. so in da house we is wiv our collective credulity tanned, buff, limba and ready. wot da eck do yous think they'll do to us next?
Being convicted of lying to Congress is a bad thing? I know it isn't something that could lead to jail time or impeachment.
For the record, I was and am for the futures market. The best examples of usefulness would be sudden declines in the payout for:
US attacked on 11/6/41
President attacked on 11/23/63
US attacked on 9/10/01
Best of all, it is virtually free! I can't recall on whether I posted about this before, so I'll leave it at that.
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